The Moment Happy Learned How to Fly

All it took was one hop from the edge of the cliff into the abyss. Nobody knew exactly what happens in the middle of the fall, but something just clicks and they’d be roaring from the deep dark crevice and come rushing skywards, playing with the clouds and attempting their very first aerial acrobatics. Some would throw cloud balls at each other, while others would go into numerous loops, trying to recreate the feeling of the roller coasters they much enjoyed. At first the onlookers would smile at the achievement of the new batch of high fliers, then after a few, they would join them in the sky, teaching the novices tricks they’ve learned and honed after years of flying.

Left at the cliff was Happy. It’s been three years since her last and only attempt at the edge. Every year, she’d attend the ceremonies and watch as more of friends zoomed skywards. Every time, she’d wish again to be able to muster enough gumption to jump and ultimately to fly. She remembers clearly that one time she dove into the abyss.

It was like today with the clear sky and light breeze swirling and blowing their hair into their faces. She was the last in line and watched intently how the kids before her managed to soar. She heard them screaming their lungs out as they plummeted down. First it was from fear and then, when they zoomed upwards, it was definitely of elation. It was her turn and her knees were shaking terribly. Her feet felt heavy and each step felt like a mile. And the moment came, when she stepped into the air with her eyes closed. She could feel the wind enveloping her whole body and an exhilaration growing inside her as she plummeted down the hole. She spread her hands and basked in the freedom. And then, she realized she was falling into a pit. All the freedom, she felt a quarter of a second ago morphed into fear. She was falling to her death and she didn’t know how to save herself. Those before her had flown upwards already and she was left alone. The adults chaperoning the ceremonies noticed immediately Happy’s continued descent and swooped down to scoop her up. Happy never tried again after that until today.

She once again lined up and again was last in the queue. Everyone was cheering her on. This was her moment and she felt it. It couldn’t be helped that flashes of her previous experience were creeping up inside her. When it was her turn, she jumped feet first and as she once again descended rapidly into the crevice, she closed her eyes and let every feeling of fear and elation pass her by. She just thought of flying and letting go. And flew she did. She opened her eyes to the warm rays of the sun and the other kids playing in the clouds. From then on, she understood and knew how to fly.

The “You” You Keep

It’s hard to keep positive really when everything just seems to go awry. It’s hard to focus when there are so many things to focus on. It gets more difficult to keep yourself motivated day in and day out, giving everything you have everyday. As you lay on your bed, you ponder whether everything’s worth it or what’s the point of actually asking anymore. Your tired mind tries to look for answers but at the end of the day, it just shuts off and then you fall into a deep slumber. The day ends with no apparent answer to the questions you wish you had the answers to. The sun rises and so do you. You still feel the fatigue and you just force yourself to move and lug your tired body (and mind) to what have you. It helps that you can keep a smile when with other people. It helps that there are people who could give you a smile, but once the moment passes and when the reality of every darn thing sets in, the smile just fades. Good for a picture which captures this single moment of bliss and is able to live for quite a long time. Good for it ’cause it fades for what seems like forever. But such is not true for one’s life. In a snap of the finger, everything could crumble and at the same time everything could seem like the most perfect of days.

There is no moment wherein you don’t check on the time by taking out your cell or looking at your wristwatch or just simply asking your friend beside you. You remember that you have a meeting to go to, an errand to run, a pile of work that needs to be finished. But even with this fast-paced life, you make time for whatever little time you have to at least enjoy a moment of that day with friends and those little quirks you enjoy. Sometimes you just want to express the happiness you’re feeling and announce it to the whole world but a lot of the times you just want to hide what you’re really feeling, fearing that noone would really understand what you’re going through and most of the time you’re right. You realize that you have to do it on your own. You realize that this life of yours is only worth living if you are the one in control, but then that’s the hard part about it because that’s when you see that your life now seems out of your control. Now, you feel lost, confused and tired.

The day starts with you trudging along the path, and maybe weighing the options of saying yes or no. But the day ends with you left wondering whether you made the right decisions. It’s a cycle and you know that, but you just can’t help yourself. You decide to find reprieve in what seemingly feels like control, but really it’s just the same old spiral.

Somewhere, but never there

“Casualties of war,” we were sometimes called. On other days, it was the “spoils of the great divide.” But most of the time, we were simply “friends caught in the middle.”

A relationship can only go two ways, marriage or separation, and any person trying to find their spot in the grey will only be prolonging the agony of making the choice. This was the situation of almost-but-never-there couple Vince and Camille. They’ve been friends for the past five years, and have practically been inseparable since the moment they met in college. They found themselves in the same barkada, drinking booze, hanging out, getting the same schedule. You name it, we did the whole group shebang. But even then, the two did have separate lives. Vince had an on and off relationship with his high school sweetheart, and Camille pretty much preoccupied herself with finding the perfect man. In fact, she was passionately searching for the one through the numerous dates she went on. Every drinking session we had, she’d tell us what was wrong with Date Number 231 and everytime, we’d find ourselves snickering at the absurdity of Camille’s reasons.

During junior year, Vince and his girlfriend decided to remain broken up. I remember him saying they just grew apart. It was at this period, as well, that Vince and Camille decided to date each other. Maybe it was the familiarity, the common interests and friends, and having realized that they enjoyed each others company, like spending countless hours laughing over a marathon of Friends DVDs. We never really got to ask them the exact reason, but who does anyway? We never really noticed this shift in their relationship, since they didn’t really have any abnormally sweet moments nor did they engage in public displays of affection, when they were with the whole group. It wasn’t until Kenneth, Rose and I bumped into them in the mall and their hands were undeniably intertwined with one another, which they suddenly loosened from each other when they caught sight of us.

The love affair unfolded in our eyes. It was the natural progression of things, Kenneth would always tell us, to assuage Rose’s apprehension with this new set-up. We all knew Camille had this uncanny knack for finding the wrong things in what we’d all deem as perfect. Vince, on the other hand, was always indecisive when it came to his life in general. Days, weeks and months passed, and we all grew accustomed to our new barkada. We’d have nights out together and pretty much nothing changed, except maybe for the more frequent separate dates.

I can’t believe that was just a year ago. Now, we have to toss a coin on whom to invite between them on the rare time we do get to do the whole group shebang. To think, we all had five years worth of friendship cut up into pieces that don’t seem to all fit one another. Sometimes I wonder if we all grew apart too.